The Fickle Beast That Is Time
I was reminded today that time is deceptive. I had planned on spending my day painting. One of my shops needs art, and I’m trying to complete as much as possible as quickly as I can. Sometimes the creative juices flow and sometimes they are a bit more reluctant. I’ve been struggling to find my rhythm - most likely because adjusting to another change has been tiring and I’m trying to adapt to a new routine once again. I feel like I’m whining. Despite my best intentions on having the family drama resolved by the beginning of this year, it continues. And now there will be more court involvement, which is going to be ugly. I visualize all the positive things for myself: manifesting and practicing gratitude daily. But sometimes keeping the door shut on the unpleasantness of certain aspects of reality is like trying to stuff a humongous hairy beast into a tiny mouse hole. Just ugh!
Instead of painting, I found myself spending time with my aunt. I love my aunt dearly and never begrudge our conversations and time together. Today we spoke of the very things that needed to be discussed at this point - what were her wishes for her end of life and after she passes. My heart is heavy. I’m smart enough (now!) to know what questions to ask and how to offer reassurance that this isn’t about me. What does she want. She has led a very full life but I’m selfish and want more time. We’ve established this lovely place in our relationship that I am so grateful for and it hurts to think it will be ending soon. I know better than most…time isn’t promised to any of us.
We went through my great grandmother’s cedar chest. I got to hear the stories behind what we found inside. I am grateful that the photos and dishes and furniture will be passed to me, and I wrap the history of my Scottish and Irish roots around me like a well-loved quilt, I am equal parts sad too that it took five decades to hear this information. All the bits and pieces intertwined and sewn together to make the Grahams and Marvins come alive for the first time in my life. Touching the hand embroidered hankies that my great grandma lovingly made. Hearing that my grandfather went to college later in life, just like I did. Finding an envelope with my father’s hair from his first haircut. Well, it was a very full day. And at the center of it was my aunt, making sure that items were crossed off her to-do list for me, but in so much pain she couldn’t sit still with the discomfort of her body beginning to fail her.
Life is a continual evolution of each year’s revolution around the Sun. And if you think of your life as a series of concentric circles - some bigger as they encompass more people and more stuff - the smaller, more intimate circles are the one I cherish most. The colorful threads of embroidery, to threads holding an heirloom quilt together, to the threads that join family members* to one another…they are the circles that bind us together. Tonight I’m sending a quiet prayer to ease my aunt’s pain. I know that I have tomorrow to paint. She thanked me for my compassion and my help. We never let a moment pass where we don’t tell each other “I love you”. I am grateful for all of it.
*Please note that family can be blood related or the chosen ones. I’m lucky that I have both.